Thoughts on a Sentimental Night

Once again, this seemingly deranged feeling encompasses my entire being, trapping me in a world which is so very far from reality. That certain moment when confusion arises in one's mind, leaving a thin line between what is real and what is not. That particular feeling of wanting to retreat into one's own world, a world created from one's own fantasies, things happening how they would want it to.

I hear the gentle melodies of sad and sentimental songs playing in the background as they fill my room in the wistful melodies. Funny really, how I tend to listen to songs which would only aid in saddening me more rather than ones which are supposedly supposed to cheer me up. This is just one of those days when you tend to sit alone in your room and feel lost... not only that but incomplete. Dramatic as it may sound, that is how it's been almost my entire life.

As I was talking with a friend earlier, he mentioned that I've always been the "Door mat" type, meaning the one who would just keep her mouth shut even if she was getting hurt or literally 'stepped on'. I guess he does have a point in that... there are times when I just find myself extremely competitive when it comes to some things, and other times I would not give a damn what you do to me. Extremes really but that is how I am.

Lack of so much things in life... like love maybe? I've been scolded once again that there is love there... I would agree but it's not the type that one would really look for. I've been thinking about this lately... but is it really too much to ask for a relationship based on love... and not the other four letter word that begins with l? Apparently, it is.

It's my life... it's always been this way and I guess it will never change... sad yet true really. I feel like I am eternally stuck in a dream... a never ending one which just keeps on going wrong. A dream where in things I want are just in front of me but reaching out to touch it leads you to a whole different path.


...::Jacqueline::...

Sacrifices

It's rather funny how you can act on impulse when it comes to someone special. Going out of your way to be able to help them, sacrificing time, effort, heck, even gas to be able to be there for them. Sacrifice. A word with so much meaning to it from what I think. This word which entails such love, yet at the same time, pain. To be able to sacrifice something for the one you care about, to be able to accept the pain that these sacrifices would give you. It really is amazing I guess.

I have to admit, it's personally hard to stand there and sacrifice your time for something you could care less about just because that person asked you to. I can't help but feel stupid about all of these things. Why? Well because maybe that particular person only sees me as someone he can approach when he needs something and not when he has a problem or what not. Someone who's only there to ask for help or the such, I guess that really is my only role in this world. Though what's stupid is, even if I know this fact, I just can't help but still help. Yes, as a friend had mentioned just earlier user friendly how right are his choice of words. I remember a talk I had with the same friend weeks ago. "The thing is, there's still hope. You're still hoping for something more to happen" I guess that's why I go through these things... hoping against hope even though I know that there is someone else.

Sacrifices... I guess I'll just be here, sacrificing to be able to help? Maybe... though this is all getting tiring really.



...::Jacqueline::...

Lost

Lately, I've found myself feeling lost. It seems as if my life has lost its direction for some reason. Drifting farther from the right path, I sometimes find myself alone in the dark, not a light in sight... maybe one but it seems hundreds and hundreds of miles away. The distance only making it seem futile to try to reach it even though I know that if I try hard enough, I'll find myself on the right path. Yes the very path that i've been looking for. It just seems as if there are so many things blocking me from that path. So many twist and turns, so many barricades, so many distractions.

It's happening once again it seems. As I was telling a friend earlier, I found myself in the same situation years ago. No clue on what's going on, no idea on what to do with my life. It can really get hard at times. Now to further expound on all of this, I am pertaining to losing my touch with the one up there... yes, Him. Like before, everything seems so routinary already that it gets tiring. Going to masses, saying prayers and the like. It has lost its meaning once again and I do not know or understand why. Devils at my feet it seems, dragging me down to oblivion where I will truly lose sight of Him... but that is surely something I will not allow.

I guess there is just some points in your life when you lose sight of Him. When everything seems futile, when it seems as if the world has turned its back on you and you think he has too. Though I know it is a mistake to think so, at times, it just can not be helped. Realizations now hit me though after talking to my friend. He's a hundred percent correct though... God will always be here to take me in once again and that is what I intend to do. Turn back on my sins and short comings to be with Him once more.

Yes, I will search for that path once more and when I find it, I will not lose sight of it again. I do not care if getting there could kill me, if there are demons in the way, cliffs, storms, darkness... I will gladly brave all of these obstacles just to be able to be with Him once more. To be with my Father and my older Brother. A conviction in which I will stray true to. A promise... a promise of searching for the right path again, the one which will lead me back to Them.



...::Jacqueline::...

Falcondance

“Falcondance”. Not an original name I would have to admit. I have borrowed this title from the third book of one of my favorite authors, Ms. Amelia Atwater-Rhodes. A truly wonderful writer who, as obvious as it may seem, captured my interest with her unique twists and turns in her creations. With this, I salute her and give her due respect for the name I have borrowed.

Falcondance… Falcon dance… this name which just conveys such a simple yet wonderful imagery. A Falcon, a bird of predation, one with such beauty, pride, elegance and mystique, soaring in the sky, into the deep blues and pale whites of the heavens. Soaring with such grace and agility, the flowing movements which just makes it seem as if it were dancing. The dark brown, black, and white hues of the feathers, glistening under the mid-day sun as it soars, and the small form glowing silver under the cornflower blue moon. Gliding though the skies, feeling the gentle breeze about its tiny form, swooping down to touch the gentle waves of the oceans. Dancing in the star filled skies, fighting against the harsh winds, the violent storms, and even other predators. Yes, truly a creature of wonder and mystique.

And with that, I end my short introduction, hoping it has peaked some of your interest and queries about the name I have chosen. Till the next post…



...::Jacqueline::...

Plummet

Desperate for changing... starving for truth... closer to where I started... chasing after YOU...

There are so many mistakes that we wish we could erase. So many times when we did or said stupid things. So many events in our lives that we rather forget... but once all these are done... there is no taking it back. Once we decide on something... we take a risk in doing so. We always put something on the line, whether it be material possessions, our pride, dignity, or a lot more. But then if we look at it... risks are a part of our everyday lives are they not? We risk waking up only to face a horrible day. We risk crossing the street to get run over by a car. We risk exposing ourselves to chance that we may get hurt. We risk all these and more. Once this is done... there is no taking it back.

Plummet... that is what I am feeling at the moment. I feel as if I have stepped off the cliff by my own will and came plummeting down with no clue what will happen. This is one risk I took... a risk I decided on for the first time of my life. Risking friendship and everything else in hopes that something will stop you from hitting the jagged rocks below... hoping that a hand would reach out to save you... only to come to a drastic end.

Shattered into a million pieces... I ask myself if I would still find a reason to be whole. Torn apart... ripped... I am going through a rapid hope loss. Something I thought was for the best... turned out otherwise... sometimes... it is better to keep things left unsaid.

Coldness... denseness... it's alarming how some people can get like this... Often times... I wish I was more like them...

And when this is all over... when the pain has left me... when the wounds have closed and when my shattered being becomes whole again... I will face you... I will face you standing upright and strong...

As she peered over the towering cliff, she was at a loss. To take a step and risk it... knowing not where she will land... or to stay on her very patch of land... not risking anything and sticking with what she is familiar with. The sun was burning in the velvet skies when she decided. She closed her eyes and stepped off... knowing not what will happen or where she would land. She stepped off and came plunging down. Not a sound was heard... no movement was felt and as she hit the ground... her frail body shattering against the jagged rocks... she knew she was mistaken in thinking something wonderful could be found past the edge. She was mistaken but could not do anything anymore... and as the last sign of life left her... the rain fell down in heavy revulets... the skies darkened, blocking out the sun as the heaven's wept for her... the tears she could not cry... the tears she kept inside...

...::Jacqueline::...

Critical

And I'd give up forever to touch you... cause I know that you'll feel me somehow...

I have found myself making a critical choice last eve... it was whether to tell this person I like the truth or to just keep it to myself as I always do. Looking back, I have never really had the nerve to let out my feelings to the person especially. Last eve... after asking for signs and waiting and thinking about it for how long... I felt that I should tell him... and I did.

The topic was on love... actually it was on our 'dead love lives' to be more exact. He was telling me that he wished he would find his "perfect girl" and all that... with all of these in mind... seeds of doubt were slowly being planted into my head... I found myself asking if I should still push through with this or that maybe this was not such a good idea after all. Signs... none of them showed... and then when I was on the verge of giving up... the signs I asked for showed themselves, one after the other. He asked why I was dazed... I told him that I was thinking if I should tell him something or not... then on went the guessing game. His guesses were all correct except for the part when names had to be mentioned. After some more minutes of guessing and me on the edge of the cliff... I shook my head to that very last name he mentioned and then it was obvious that it was him I was talking about. I couldn't help but cry a bit... and he laughed a bit... hugged me and said it was alright. I doubted this whole thing... I didn't get any reaction from him but his laughter and hugs. While waiting for the car... I said my piece and he listened... I couldn't look him in the eye... I hope things don't change... and all that. The car came... I texted him something before we dropped him off and he looked at me and just said "aww jac...". Texts that evening did not give me any clues whatsoever on how he took that.

Right now... this week long break is killing me... not knowing anything is even worse. Then it just came to me... I wish I did not do what I did anymore... I wish I just let my fears take over and kept it to myself... Things will change... and I don't want them to change... I am such a fool...

Why does love do this to people anyway? Drive them insane... push them to do something they would never normally do... and then after all the pain... make them regret everything. I wish I could turn back time and erase what had happened... critical... that is how everything is at the moment...

As for now... I will have to settle for something I hate... waiting...

She waited... waited for anything... a clue... a sign... nothing came. She regretted what courage she built up within herself to tell him. She waited some more... tears came, the regret grew deeper... and still, she was alone...

...::Jacqueline::...

A Strange Thing Called Love

It is better to have loved and lost... than to never have loved at all...

Often times I wonder if this certain quotation is true. Is it truly better to have loved and lost that person... or to not have loved at all? Yet again, it is all about the risks... To risk everything in loving a person even if in the end you would risk loosing them... or to have played it safe... never took the risk and save yourself of the pain and sufering one might experience.

Love is one things that I will never understand I guess. How can one so beautiful cause so much pain and hardships at the same time? It truly is an enigma. But when this particular feeling comes your way... the question would be if you take the risk, or do you play it safe?

To make a choice and either have made the right decision or the wrong one... but how can you make such a choice when sincerity is at question?

He held her hand and told her of his feelings... she remained quiet... questioning his sincerity. He dismissed it and pretended nothing happened... as for her? She was at a loss on what to do... and all may be lost forever...

...::Jacqueline::...

Nemesis

There are times when I just find myself in deep contemplation. The other night, this very thing happened. In the middle of the night I found myself staring at the ceiling and telling myself that I do not like what I have become. It's true, people do change... I know that I have. A lot of things have changed, some for the better but there have also been some negative changes.

When I look at the mirror, I sometimes do not know myself anymore. Masks... different facades hide the real me... it's just mask after mask after mask. The person I knew so well before... is now replaced by another I hardly know.

There are times when I just ask myself why I am doing this... having to hide who I really am... so people could accept me? So I will not be vulnerable to others? So that I can please people? These reasons disgust me... why do I have to put on a different face for others? Does one need to keep on pretending just because she wants people to accept her? Just because she wants to please the whole world? That will never happen... one can never please everybody. In this world of pretense, everything just loses its meaning... in this world of pretense, God still sees who we truly are and that is the most important thing.

Knowing all of these, I still do not know the person I truly am. It seems as if I have become my own enemy... a nemesis. A battle which is being fought inside... a battle that no one can see... a battle where no one can interfere... no one but me and my pseudo self. This is my battle... a battle which I would have to face.

In this world, why can't we just be ourselves without risking the chance to be ridiculed? Why are we hindered from following our dreams? From following our heart? Why are we forced into living a life that is not ours in the first place? Why do we forget our roots? And why have I forgotten who I really am?

The river seemed inviting, its clear waters reflecting everything. I took a step towards the rocky shores and looked into its depths. I found myself looking at a person I thought I knew... a person who I recognized from long ago. Her eyes were filled with sadness as I continued to stare at the reflection facing me. A wave of emotion surged through my body as I realized the mistake I have made. As I stared at this pitiful looking girl... as I stared into her eyes which reflected her very soul, the harsh reality hit me. This figure... this girl staring back at me with misery was myself... the self I knew from way back... the girl I once was... the real me. And with this realization, I saw tears rolling down her cheeks... and as they fell into the water, she vanished.


...::Jacqueline::...