Nemesis

There are times when I just find myself in deep contemplation. The other night, this very thing happened. In the middle of the night I found myself staring at the ceiling and telling myself that I do not like what I have become. It's true, people do change... I know that I have. A lot of things have changed, some for the better but there have also been some negative changes.

When I look at the mirror, I sometimes do not know myself anymore. Masks... different facades hide the real me... it's just mask after mask after mask. The person I knew so well before... is now replaced by another I hardly know.

There are times when I just ask myself why I am doing this... having to hide who I really am... so people could accept me? So I will not be vulnerable to others? So that I can please people? These reasons disgust me... why do I have to put on a different face for others? Does one need to keep on pretending just because she wants people to accept her? Just because she wants to please the whole world? That will never happen... one can never please everybody. In this world of pretense, everything just loses its meaning... in this world of pretense, God still sees who we truly are and that is the most important thing.

Knowing all of these, I still do not know the person I truly am. It seems as if I have become my own enemy... a nemesis. A battle which is being fought inside... a battle that no one can see... a battle where no one can interfere... no one but me and my pseudo self. This is my battle... a battle which I would have to face.

In this world, why can't we just be ourselves without risking the chance to be ridiculed? Why are we hindered from following our dreams? From following our heart? Why are we forced into living a life that is not ours in the first place? Why do we forget our roots? And why have I forgotten who I really am?

The river seemed inviting, its clear waters reflecting everything. I took a step towards the rocky shores and looked into its depths. I found myself looking at a person I thought I knew... a person who I recognized from long ago. Her eyes were filled with sadness as I continued to stare at the reflection facing me. A wave of emotion surged through my body as I realized the mistake I have made. As I stared at this pitiful looking girl... as I stared into her eyes which reflected her very soul, the harsh reality hit me. This figure... this girl staring back at me with misery was myself... the self I knew from way back... the girl I once was... the real me. And with this realization, I saw tears rolling down her cheeks... and as they fell into the water, she vanished.


...::Jacqueline::...

Summer Madness

Maybe this insanity I am faced with comes with the heat that summer brings. These emotions that my heart succumbs to... maybe after this season it will all pass... maybe just maybe. All these sentimental feelings, all the sadness.

I tell myself... rather, I force myself to try to forget you... to not think of you anymore for the very memory or thought of you can bring much pain. But even though I try and try... all my efforts seem futile.

I guess things really did change... I don't know if it will ever return to what it was before but all I know is that I'm clingin on a cliff right now... about to let go and throw myself on the crashing waves below. Give up everything...

I have to admit... everytime I look back on those days... it brings a tear to my eyes... furthermore... my heart never fails to weep. Everytime I recall the things you said... I can not help but compare those times with the now.

How can one forget when all she thinks about is that person. When one can not help but wonder how that other person is doing?

After muttering the words forget it or it's over, I just find myself missing you once again. At times I just really want to stop this foolishness, to get as far away as I could, to not hear from you again. But that is too much even for me. I find myself running away, fleeing with all of my strength only to find myself back to where I started... at the point of giving up.

Summer Madness... I would like to believe that this is all the heats doing... I would like to believe that this is just temporary insanity. I would like to believe that it will all be gone in time. Madness...madness of heart, mind and soul.

And I could not weep... I held it back as the tears forced their way out... I would not allow them to flow, not anymore. I lifted my head and faced everything once again. No tears came from my eyes but deep down inside, I know that my heart was weeping for me, overflowing with emotions that could not be allowed to surface. It cried with a pain that would surpass all the hurt one could feel... and still, outside, I am but a solid rock, standing firm... but crying deep inside.


...::Jacqueline::...

Letting Go

There are some things in ones life that are very hard to forget. May it be people, places, prized possessions, emotions, even the very memories we carry in our hearts and minds. Letting go of those very things can bring a person at a loss, especially if that person or object is very close to that person's heart.
Letting go can come in many forms: deaths, departures, or other events that may have taken place.

I was never good at saying goodbyes... I guess I never will be. The thought of being parted from people I love or other things just devastates me. Goodbye... it was never an easy word to say... in its simplicity, it brought with it this feeling of letting go. Recently on my graduation, I found myself uttering this word over and over again to my friends who I've been with all my life. I found myself letting go of so much things and people on that day... the school which I considered my second home, the familiar faces who I would see everyday, my batch who was with me ever since I started my schooling, and the biggest thing I had to let go off that day was my class, the wonderful people I spent two great years with. It never is easy to say goodbye and go your own separate ways.

As hard as it is to let go, as horrible as it is... sometimes it is simply necessary. A friendship gone amiss, a relationship ending, hatred you feel for somebody, sometimes we just have to let go for our own benefit. Letting go and going on with life, as hard as it sounds, that is how life works.

But how could one let go of something she never had? A dream that never came true, a goal that was never fulfilled, a love that was never known... could you actually let go of these things when you never had them in the first place? How can you let go of the person you love when he was never yours to begin with? How can you utter the lines I'm letting you go because I love you to the wind when no one knew but yourself? How can you even end something that had never even begun?

As I have mentioned, I am not the expert at goodbyes and letting go... but at this very moment, I ask myself if I should still hang on to that when everything seems bleak... do I still believe even though fate is trying to tell me something else? Do I still persevere even though I know it will do me no good? I can't help but feel ridiculous for still hanging on even though I know I am going against all odds. Life is simply that way... we cling on to something we can never have... the more impossible it is to reach it, the harder we try... truly laughable... but who am I to laugh when I have fallen into the very same trap myself.

How can I let this go when deep inside me I know my heart is telling me no, and my mind is saying yes? More importantly, how can I let you go when I never had you in the first place?

Letting go... I am trying my best to let go... it's turning out easier than expected... easier to forget, easier to turn my back on everything... but with those same emotions... my heart is weeping, weeping for a loss it never had.


There was only one thing to do now... her whole persona seemed to protest against it, but she knew that it had to be done. As the waves crashed onto the shore, she took a step into the freezing waters of the ocean, a step at a time going deeper. She stopped midway and she cast the objects she was carrying out into the deep waters. Her tears joined the very waters of the ocean as she wept and wept. The sound of the ocean drowned off her cries as she muttered the word "goodbye" over and over again...


...::Jacqueline::...

Falling

As a child, I've always had this fear of heights. I could not stand being in high places, it always made my heart race and not to mention, it never failed to make me shut my eyes. I recall the time we went to Hong Kong and rode the cable cars. I was very excited to get on it but when I was already inside, I was glued to my seat. It didn't help that my uncles were scaring me and pretending to throw my beloved Pink Panther stuffed toy out the window. I hated carnival rides that have anything to do with heights. The very first time I rode a rollercoaster was 5 summers ago, it was in Circus Circus, Las Vegas. If it was not for my mother forcing me to get on it, I would never have had the guts to walk over there and ride it. After that, other rollercoasters came along with other high rides in either Disney Land, Knott's Berry Farm,or Universal Studios.

The main reason for this fear would be my fear of falling. When I was still a kid, I remember falling off a slide after somebody promised to catch me at the bottom, that didn't really hurt but the fear was there. And ever since, I was scared of heights and falling.

I was watching City of Angels yesterday, a favorite movie of mine and there was a part there where they talked about falling. Once you make up your mind, you just decide to fall, you take the leap, you take the plunge and then you fall... I guess it's the same thing when you fall in love. Once given an opportunity, you take the risk, you take the chance, you fall in love.

Falling in love is never easy, it is like stepping off a steep cliff unto the jagged rocks below, or jumping off a sky scraper unto the busy streets. The risk is great but still, with this in mind, why do people still fall into this dangerous trap? I've seen a lot of movies with people falling in love, going against all odds for the person they thought was their soul mate... and in the end, things just do not work out... and in the end... everything turns out futile.
At the same time, falling in love can be a blessing, like the joy you get when you go on a ride and feel the wind on your face. The enlightenment you attain when you see that person, the inspiration you gather from him... and who knows... things may work out.

I guess one can never tell what the outcome of this decision would be. One will never know unless one will take the risk, take a step further and decide to fall, fall into the unknown, into the abyss not knowing what is in store. An opportunity cost... something we have to take.

Falling in love, I guess I will never understand the concept of this, or maybe, it was never meant to be understood. The risk of whatever outcome you may get, the fear, the doubts, the failure, and the fulfillment... all of these from one step, all from one plunge.

The sun slowly retreated behind the clouds as the sky took on a blue hue. She finally made her decision, she was going to tell him. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and she turned around... he was gone. Her tears fell that day but no one was there to see...


...::Jacqueline::...

Fragmented Dreams

A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep...
Interesting how they say that dreams are wishes of the heart... longings of our soul in another sense. In dreams we are free, we can express ourselves, our thoughts... there are no boundaries, there are no barriers to prevent us from what we want or what we want to happen. I guess it is true that in dreams, we unconsciously envision what our heart desires, what we have always wanted.

Dreams... dreaming of a better world to live in, dreaming of being able to fly over the vast lands and be at peace, dreaming of passing your exams, dreaming of being able to talk to a loved one who had already passed away... dreaming of finding that right person and spending your days with him. We dream of these things and more.

Things are not always what they seem. Nightmares can come and invade that once beautiful dream. A hidden fear... a fear emerging from the recesses of ones heart and mind. No one is spared from this. Seeds of doubt can lead to this, a destruction of the once pleasant dream.

Fragments... bits and pieces of a bigger piece. A part of something bigger, a portion, a section. To break an object, to divide, to shatter into a million pieces. Brokenness.

Fragmented Dreams... A part of a whole... a part of a dream. Dreams that were meant to be broken, fragmented. A dream that will never be, just a mere desire, a longing. Fragmented dreams, broken hopes and promises. Dreams that were meant to fall apart.

Enter this realm of fragmented dreams and take with you a part of this harsh reality...


...::Jacqueline::...

Lost

Everybody has lost something in their lives... may it be a prized possession, a pen, money, or even someone... a loved one, a friend. Losing something is never easy, there are times when we get over a loss easily, but most of the time is it not the other way around? Do we not cry when something special is lost or taken away, do we not feel hurt, do we not long for it back?

Trust... once it is lost, once it is broken, it is very hard to regain. Isn't trust one of the important things in this world? Relationships are based on this, this and so much more. And still, with this in mind, why do people still tend to break this important factor? Laying it aside as if it didn't matter.

It seems as if my emotions have turned its back on me and betrayed me. Is this what happens when you listen to what your mind tells you and shut off what the heart is trying to say? At that particular time, I thought it was the right thing to do... turn your back, walk away... and eventually forget what happened... forget the people involved... well, I woke up and found out that this task was not as easy as I predicted. Like losing something, one can not help but look for that thing that was lost. Pretending not to care is hard as well... putting up a wall, another facade... but deep down inside you can not help but care.

I have lost a lot of things in my life... friends, family members, other objects that I considered important, all these hurt me one way or another. Losing something is never easy. This loss is just as bad, if not worse.

Losing something... images of grief, sadness... images of a mother weeping as she sees her daughter going off to marry the man she loves, images of a child searching endlessly for his lost parents, images of a family grieving for the loss of a family member, and images of a young girl as she watched her lover walk away from her. Some may lead to a happy ending... a twist that will suddenly set all things right. That little boy may decide to take another step which will lead him to his parents, and that young lady may find herself in the arms of the person she truly loves... but somehow... in reality... these things never happen. In reality, a loss could be permanent. In reality, not all things are possible.

And she watched him turn his back and walk away... forgetting everything they've been through... and at that time, she knew that she had lost him... forever.

...::Jacqueline::...

Raindrops

As I woke up this morning and stared out the window, what greeted me was the dark and gloomy sky. It was going to rain I told myself. True enough after a few minutes the rain came down. It came down in small droplets at first but later on its force grew stronger. It was raining during the summer. I couldn't help but look out the window. I never really liked the rain but there is something about it that brings peace... if not peace, then chaos to my mind

Looking out the window and watching the tiny droplets roll down the leaves of the trees made me remember a lot of things. I always said that I despised the element but deep inside, there was surely something that drew me to it.

I remember times when I was still a kid playing at the beach, surrounded by the same element, water. I can not really remember those times vividly since I was only a mere child, but somehow the emotions are still there. Strange as it may sound, I know these memories that I am remembering are mine. Recently, the image that came into my mind was last summer when I was with my friends in Laguna. It rained while we were swimming and I recall myslef going under water and just watching the raindrops join the water of the pool. It looked ethereal watching it hit the water's surface... I remember myself just enjoying the sound of the rain and the presence of water all around me.

I tend to get sentimental when it rains... there's just really something about it. Maybe I have been watching too much movies and in turn relating all the things that happen in those very movies to rain. It may be the departure of a loved one as the other person stood weeping under the rain, or a couple reunited under the supposed gloomy sky, but making it look as if the sky was showering down blessings on them as their lips touched. I am a dreamer... I will not deny that.

Another thing this weather brings would be the cold atmosphere... and I will not deny the fact that I love it. It's the perfect weather to stay in bed sipping a hot cup of coffee or home made hot chocolate, reading a book, watching tv, listening to music, or writing. Truly wonderful.

The rain can bring so many things... from joy, to sadness, and even calamity... for me, it brings inspiration. But in a way, it isn't all that bad.

She stood there, frozen on the very land she treaded upon. The sky reflected her gloom and misery as it wept with her. As her tears fell down her face, so did the tiny droplets of rain.


...::Jacqueline::...

Sonata: Melodic Memories

I consider music as a very important part of my life. Since I was a child, I loved to sing, singing any songs I could think of whether it be a Disney classic or a song I've but recently heard in the radio. Then I took piano lessons... lessons which did not really do much good since I did not take to the instrument... or maybe it was the other way around. Just recently, I took to heart playing a new instrument, my guitar; one which I didn't take seriously at first but in the end, fell in love with it. I have my own band now, and I can say one thing binds us all together... our passion for music.

Sonata... a composition of sorts. I guess my life is one big composition... with God as my composer. Different beats put together, different notes, different pitches... different things which, at first, may not sound too good... but in the end manages to create perfect harmony. With this, I am not saying that my life is in perfect harmony, no one can truly say that... but like an instrument, there are times when you are in key.

Melodic Memories... as I have mentioned, I have been surrounded by music since time immemorial. Don't get me wrong... no one in my family is gifted with much musical talents, actually, when I look at it now, no one in my family, immediate or not ever took liking to music or musical instruments. Guess that makes me the odd one out, taking it to heart. I can relate a lot of my childhood memories, good or bad, with music. From that simple song I heard in the car as we made our way to Baguio that tiring night, or that song being played in the radio as a loved one departed. The lullabyes that lulled me to sleep, those same songs that comforted me in my weary state, the songs taken from movies that I will never forget, the tunes sang with friends... a class, a song sang alone, and even those carefully picked songs meant to be sung for a loved one... a person close to my heart.

At times, listening to these random songs would bring back so much images, pleasant or not, they are still a part of me. Remembering the times when I laughed, times when I cried, all bitter sweet and painful memories.

A sonata which is yet to be finished, instruments playing as the composition slowly comes together, mistakes being used to create a beautiful harmony... that is what this is about... This is my Sonata of Melodic Memories.


...::Jacqueline::...